Being the son of a computer geek and a digital designer/internet entrepreneur our  Kai is rather destined to be a geek himself.   I am actually concerned about how much of a digital connection he has at such a young age.  I realize that these are skills that he is developing but having raised two video gaming sons already I know that it has to be monitored closely.  I have seen how playing too many video games can negatively alter mood and emotions.  To be perfectly honest, I think Kai has access to too much way too soon, but it has been a losing battle to convince his dad.  Mick is a technology junkie and whether it is computers, games or gadgets we usually have most of them. 

 Last night Kai got up in the middle of the night and I found him downstairs in the living room playing video games.  This is not the first time this has happened.  In fact, last week he was caught in the living room at 3:00 am with his Nintendo DS and we took it and the Wii away from him for what appeared to be two painful days.  Apparently he was willing to take the risk again last night and now both systems are gone for at least a week. 

It is raining outside today so I dug out the craft supplies and Kai did a painting.  He has problems with his fine motor skills and I have been trying to get him to practice his writing, but he seems uninterested in keeping a journal.  He did manage to keep his attention held on painting though and this is now hanging in our front hallway. 

 If you ask me, this is ten times better than beating the boss in Pokemon but what do I know?

I am back to scrapping again!  I have this huge project to do for my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary in August and I just don’t know where I am going to find the time to get it all done.  I know it sounds awful but if I could get someone else to do it for me, I would be thrilled to pieces.  Not possible though because the main time hog of this project is in the scanning.  The scrappy side of things is probably going to be on the slim side of things.  My mom has always been a great picture taker, and has nearly as many snapshots as I have digital photos.  Plus, many of her photos are still stuck in terrible old 70’s albums that are acidic and the fading photos are in desperate need of repair and colour correction.  So while they are away on vacation this week I have snuck into their house and stolen abut 30 of her albums, which is only about a 1/3 of what she has.  I’ve been scanning my butt off in between trying to juggle the rest of life and work.

I wasn’t sure I remembered how to scrap but I did a few warm up layouts and it is similar to riding a bike.  However, the thing with me and scrapping is that the proper way for ME to do it, is slowly, savoring every meditative, blissful moment.  If I have to rush, it just never comes together for me the way I want it to.  Sure, I can whip up a layout lickety split but I won’t be satisfied with it unless I have had the opportunity to spend time with it, fiddling around, experimenting and contemplating the memory or thought that I am trying to express.  The reason why I had stopped scrapping was that I just don’t have that time any more, and I really miss that and feel like I have lost touch with my roots in some small way.  This is something I want to change, however, every time I open photoshop it seems that is is for a design or business purposes. 

 It is time for a site redesign at Scrapbookgraphics.  We are in the middle of an extremely extensive server upgrade and Mick tells me that this would be an opportune time for me to change the visual look of the site as well.  So I spent the afternoon banging around ideas in PS today but I’m just not feeling it. It is difficult to be focused when there are other deadlines that need to be met all at the same time.  So I am contemplating the idea of recruiting a talented scrapper out there to help me with this project.  I have put out some feelers and I am already liking the response so far.  Crossing my fingers that we can come up with a new wild and funky SBG look without my having to stress about it.

Now that school is out and summer holidays in play I am trying to get Kai to start writing a daily journal.  He has some problems with fine motor skills and needs the practice writing but most of all I am trying to help him start some good habits that he will one day love me for having. 

Clearly I am a terrible example of the importance of keeping a daily journal so I have come here today to relieve myself of some of the guilt.  Truth is that despite how important I believe it is to keep a diary, I have yet to develop the habit.  The best I can come up with is to write when I feel the urge and so here we have it.

 We purchased a new Toyota Yaris and it arrives tomorrow.  My van died last week and we decided not to resuscitate.  The truth is that it had long stopped being my van.  Brendan (my 23 year old) had been using it to get to work which was ok with me initially, but things started to get concerning when I noticed he was hanging his own doodads from the rear view mirror.  When I found that I had to make an appointment to use my own vehicle, the issue started to become an ongoing problem and an intense one at times. 

Brendan is finally starting college in the fall so he has been working hard at his summer landscaping job in order to save some money.  He was not at all pleased when I told him that his ride had rode off into the sunset without him and that if he wanted to keep it for himself, he was going to have to pay to have it repaired.  After some stomping and pouting (yep, still happens at 23) he eventually came to realize that the dream was over, and that the van was no more.  A few days later he had found himself a good used vehicle and all of savings have now gone towards that.  He tried to make me feel guilty about that but it didn’t work.    In fact, knowing that he no longer would be bugging us for a car inspired us to go shopping for a new one. 

 Mick will be taking the new Toyota to work each day as that vehicle is all about good gas mileage. I get stuck with the 5 year old Ford Focus Wagon but I’m happy about it.  It will be great to finally be able to get out and about this summer. 

I started off in 2001 with a tiny desk crammed into the corner of my bedroom and I used that as an office/studio until we bought our first house in 2004.  For a short while I had my own office space there but I lost it when my son Brendan moved back home and claimed it as his bedroom.  We moved to this house a year and a half ago and I have had my own space since then, but it has only been until very recently that I have been able to get it set up so that it is a fully functional space.

I have two computer work stations now.  There is one set up for the Mac (which I am still learning) and one for my beloved old PC.  There is also a third space beside the Mac that is room enough for crafting or for setting up my product photo studio box.   Every once in a while Mick may bring his laptop in here and Kai has a space to do his homework or crafts.

The wall cupboards were new at Christmas and they are from Ikea.  I love finally being able to put some of my supplies up and away and behind closed doors.  I plan to purchase the matching wall unit sometime this year, to replace the rickety old bookcase.    The lamp was purchased after Christmas with a gift card from Home Sense, which is one of my favorite stores.

Kai’s easle folds up and is easy to pack away.  He also uses the blackboard that I painted on the closet doors.  In just a couple of days I am looking forward to moving the easle out all together and moving a small comfortable reading chair into that spot.  I am also hoping to replace the pole lamp with something funkier and with daylight bulbs.  While I do have a great deal of light that comes in from the window, it is western facing and sometimes I have to pull the curtains closed because the sun is blinding.  I am hoping that the daylight bulbs will help with replacing the missed sunshine caused by spending far too many hours indoors at a computer. :) 

I love the tapestry on the wall. It is made from old Indian Sari’s and I love how it brings so much colour vibrancy and texture into the space.    Still on the list of things to do include stripping up the carpet and puttind down some cork or bamboo flooring, and I am crossing my fingers that we can manage that this year sometime. 

There is still lots of room on the walls and I have some fun things planned to extend my love of collage beyond the screen and onto the walls. 

 I think the thing I love most about the space is that there is a door and I close it! 

Our friend Markus was visiting us yesterday.  He was home for the holidays after being away for the past two years.  A little more than two years ago he left Toronto and his job in IT and he travelled out to BC where he enrolled in a course to learn how to be a Scuba Instructor.  Now he lives on a cruise ship, taking guests on dives at various ports in the Caribbean.  Ironically enough he was home for a vacation. 

 We really had a wonderful visit (we were blessed twice actually, during his time in Toronto), listening to stories about what it is like to live on the ship, awestruck with the transient lifestyle, the gifts and the sacrifices of this kind of life experience.  It was just the exact sort of thing I dreamed about doing when I was a very young adult with no responsibilities.  We hooked up a little zip drive of photos to our tv and flipped through his underwater photos while listening to ambient trance music.  Absolutely beautiful evening indeed.

Kai didn’t remember Markus but the two of them always got along famously and they picked up again where they left off a couple of years ago with Kai dragging Markus upstairs to show him all of the cool stuff that he has in his room.  I followed along for the simple joy of it.  We looked at Kai’s Knight and dragons collection and we checked out all of his Star Wars toys.  There was a bit of a demonstration of the new hot wheels carring case and Kai invited Markus to feel how soft the blanket was on his bed.  Kai has been thrilled by the softness of that blanket since the day I gave it to him and people wouldn’t be getting the whole tour without everyone stopping to touch the blankie. :)  That lead him to the Treasure box that he stores in the shelf on the head of his bed.

 Inside the treasure box are some typical items and some not so typical.  There is a soccer medal that says “My First Goal is Having Fun” .  There is a rubber bracelet that is sponsored by the Lifesaving Society and it says “Swim to Survive” on it.  That was part of a package of things he received for passing his last swim level.  There is a bear claw necklace, a few rocks with shiny bits on them, some pressed pennies and various other Disney memorabilia items.  His autograph book was in there and when I grabbed it to look through it, Kai gave me the evil eye to warn me not to show Markus the lipstick kiss that Snow White smacked on one of the pages.  I wouldn’t dare.  Been there.  Done that.  I know better now. :)   One of his matchbox cars was in there, a small cloth bag of coins that the tooth fairy has brought him, one of my ATCs, a crystal and ……….

“Well what is that doing in there” I said, shocked to see that Kai had placed a photo of me inside of the box. 

“I just love you mommy and I wanted to have that in there” .

 I’m not sure where he found this photo, and I haven’t seen it in a long while myself.   It threw totally off guard and I got all choked up.

What a beautiful son I have and such a beautiful treasure.  

Marking this one down as an especially good day. 

I have come here to post so many times and have struggled over what I want to share with the world and what I want to keep private.  I never used to withhold much at all when it came to my blog because I am pretty much of the mind that when we share openly with others, even the yucky stuff, it is often helpful to others that resonate with the thoughts and feelings I am sharing.  Resonance is a good thing because in realizing our sameness, we are more likely to feel connected, rather than divided.

Lately I have felt a tremendous amount of division within this community.   I’m not talking about the obvious stuff either, where friends and aquaintances branch off the shared path and onto some new adventures of their own.  Those kinds of things do not make me feel the separation.  I have many friends who I will always feel the presence of even if we never again speak or share space in this lifetime.  It is the lack of kindness and caring that makes me aware of the break, and there has been a lot more of that stuff in this community than there ever used to be.

 Granted, the community is massive now and it is challenging enough it is to keep a stable balance between two people in a relationship, never mind the intricacies of maintaining a complex community, especially when it keeps growing so rapidly.  Growth can be an awesome thing when the foundations are strong, but lately, I have felt as if the original foundation of this community feels as if it is a little lost underneath the masses.  Maybe it is simply because it is impossible for any one person to feel a personal connection to such a large group anymore.   However, when I do have a look around I am often discouraged to see so much, mistrust, finger pointing, accusations, and conflict.  The sense of harmony that I look for in a community is distant to me, and it never used to be that way. 

However, I know it is a waste of time and energy to simply notice these things without taking any sort of action so I have been giving a lot of thought to what role I want to play in all of this and how I may or may not be contributing to the harmony I seek.

 Being in the public eye can be a very stressful experience at times.  There is never any way that any of us could please everyone and I’ve never been naive in assuming that I have a personality or presence that everyone is going to appreciate or even like.  Sometimes I have to make difficult decisions and not everyone is going to agree with the choices I have made.  However, ultimately I truly have only my conscience to answer to as do any of us.  As frightening and isolating as it may feel sometimes to go against popular opinion, at the end of the day the noise of an angry crowd would be like whispers against the crying out of an ignored conscience.   To sleep peacefully at night, it is always my conscience that should be my guide above everything else.   This can grow to be very complicated at times because in business, a decision of conscience isn’t always the norm. 

A few weeks back a new designer of mine made a mistake that cost her the opportunity to sell in my store.  When the events of her actions were made public, it also made it near impossible for to ever return to this community as a digital designer or possibly even as a scrapper.  The wall of shame in this community is a harsh one to survive.

I know what this designer did was wrong, but at the same time, I also know that we ALL make mistakes, in life and in this business, and sometimes the right and wrong of things are not so black and white.  It is a learning process and sometimes the lessons are very painful.  I know this designer has learned her lesson and she is remorseful and totally willing to be accountable for her actions.  However, my concern is that compassion and forgiveness is not something everyone in this community is striving for.  Yet, this opportunity is presenting itself, to me, to the person that has been directly harmed by her actions, and to us as a whole.   So who am I to judge, perhaps we are ready as a group to rise to the occassion. I truly hope so because I really feel a need to see and experience this kind of energy, especially right now, and I know that the only way to bring something into my life is to give it.  That goes for all of us. 

I can hear the grumbling from the few who do not understand my position here. I know that there are some that want to see wrong-doers suffer, possibly because at some level there is a need of a visible scapegoat, so that there is a clear understanding that there are consequences for our actions.   I personally believe that suffering is only part of a creative process, and that it is unnecessary beyond the point of understanding.   I also believe that this world is one of perfect justice, even if we as human beings aren’t always able to understand the inner workings of the law of attraction, or the science of karma.  It all happens regardless of our limited understanding.

I have asked for some counsel recently from some very wise women with regard to this matter and I have to say that I found their words very comforting.  I am comforted in knowing that those people I associate with are people with an open heart, and that compassion is something they understand and strive for.   I really hope their forgiving and understanding response is one that will be shared by the general public.  Not simply because there is one designer’s life and career hanging in the balance here, but because I really would love to feel the humanity and caring that I once felt from our community.  I know it has to exist, and I can only assume that this very challenging situation has a silver lining opportunity that will allow us to experience ourselves in the highest possible way…..as compassionate souls.

Sometimes it is really hard to get out of bed in the morning.  Sometimes even after sleeping in, I wake up and still feel tired. I shower and get dressed and have my breakfast and almostly immediately after that I feel like I need a nap again. On those days it can be a real struggle to do simple things that on other days I would take for granted as easy.  And I am not simply talking about physical activity here either.  Mental activity and social activity can also be draining and I can do nothing other than withdraw or be cranky and irritable like a toddler would be when dragged  around a mall during her naptime.  I try really hard to be pleasant and interactive but the fatigue is just overwelming at times.  It is hard not to feel like I am in some way failing as a wife and a mother, when I am urging Mick and Kai to go off and do things on their own all of the time.  It makes me sad to not be part of those experiences and memories for them, and it would make me sadder for them to hold back on their adventures simply because I can’t join them. 

Sometimes this fatigue is something I bob and weave through on a daily or weekly basis, and at other times it grabs hold of me and pins me down for much longer periods of time.  The summer months are usually hardest for me.  This past summer really got the best of me.  It seemed to go on and on and no matter how much I reminded myself that “this too shall pass” I couldn’t help but stress over the feeling that I was losing it.  It is really difficult to surrender to the body’s sudden demand for rest when there is always so much to be done.  I always have so many things on the go when I am feeling more myself, and I am so much more involved with people and the world around me when I am healthy and rested.  When I am not burdened by this incredible fatigue, I can barely remember how completely paralyzing it can be and inspiration excites me into starting activities, and enjoying the social pleasures of friendships and community. 

Sometimes I think I am no longer capable of giving to a relationship what it seems to need or expect from me.  Clearly it is different with Mick and the kids and family.  They might not completely understand what I am going through, but they also don’t doubt that I love them and that if I had my way I would be much more conscious and connected with them.  It is that understanding that carries us through the rough patches and I am incredibly grateful for that support.  But there are others, who misunderstand my absence, or the lack of connection as being some sort of rejection of them and our friendship.  This is the furthest thing from the truth, but sometimes there is just no convincing a person of how much they are loved if they are hell bent on believing differently.  Human beings are weird that way.  We seem to be programmed to believing less than the truth about ourselves and about most things. 

So what am I to do?  Am I to give up on making friendships because I am not always capable of giving the relationship a consistent level of energy and attention?  The defeatest in me says so, but the optimist keeps encouraging me to stay open and trust in the moment.  The challenges I am facing living with MS are different than I thought they may be.  Things are much more subtle and complex than I could have imagined. 
I’m sick with a cold right now, and this seems pretty typical for me at Christmas time.  My over-active immune system wants me to sleep, but my hyper-active airways insist I stay awake, coughing and hacking until my chest and throat burn.  I’m already wondering if I will be sending Kai and Mick off to have Christmas dinner at his mother’s house without me on Sunday.  The last minute shopping is going to have to be taken care of by Mick because I will never survive the mall.  I remember two years ago standing in a line at The Gap to buy Kai’s Christmas jammies. I had stood there for a good 15 minutes and I was only two away from the cash when I started coughing and could not stop.  People around me started to panic and the more that happened, the more intense the cough became, until my face was blue, my eyes were bulging and I had tears streaming down my cheeks.  I somehow managed to pay for my purchase, drink a quick cup of water and run down the mall to the exit where my car was.  I coughed all the way home and it was a good hour before I was under contol and breathing normally again.  Just thinking of it now has me coughing again.  The stress of possibly being in a situation like that again is a serious trigger.  I will be disappointed if I can’t go on Sunday.

My outlook gets pretty dim when I sick and  it is a struggle not to fall prey to a false belief that I am always this way.  This too shall pass.  I just keep telling myself that.

I have only done about half of my shopping and I am crossing my fingers that some of the stuff will be delivered on time.  Normally I usually take a break from work in the month of December, but things have just been too hectic to leave anything to waiting.  Sure, I have the Christmas tree decorated and the piles of snow on the ground should have me in the spirit by now, but I just have been so caught up in work andthe holiday seems to creeping up on me fast.  I’m disappointed about that because I think it is healthy and important to step back at this time of the year, regroup, get my priorities straight and refocus.    Plus, the break always serves me well as by January I am usually filled with inspiration and gusto to go go.

 Kai is really sick.  His cough has been persisting now for 5-6 weeks having been triggered by what appears to be two separate cold virus’ (one that  turned ear infection), of which he never got over the cough of one when the second cold started this past weekend.    We have had him to the Doctors many times now and have been working to find a solution to the overactive airways (aka asthma) issue that he is dealing with.  He has missed two and a half weeks of school in the last 4 weeks alone.  He coughs constantly and when he is not coughing he is usually moaning about how he can’t take this anymore and about how unfair it all is.  My heart breaks to listen to him and see the big dark circles under his eyes from not being able to sleep.  His happy personality is being beaten down day by day,  with this struggle to breath.   It doesn’t seem fair, but then who said life was fair.   Off to go read him another story. 

I’m doing my best to keep posting here daily, but it sure has been a challenge given the chaos that continues to fly.  One of the new designers in our store reminded me yesterday that there is always great reward on the other side of suffering.  In the same way that a birth of a child overhshadows all the previous pain and work of labor, so too will we reap the rewards of all of the difficulty and challenge that we are dealng with now.  I know it.  In fact, the cycle is one I am very familiar with and there is something especially empowering about all of the stuff I am working through.  I remember when I was in labor with Kai.  There were many times through out the early and mid part of labor that I gave in to weak ideas about myself, thinking I just couldn’t do it.  However, when I found my rhythm there was this place within, this incredible inner strength,  where I knew I could cope with anything, if I had to.  I hadn’t been introduced to that part of myself before that moment, as both of my previous deliveries were surgical.  I remember feeling this sense of empowerment even at the peak  of the most intense pain I had ever known in my life.  I’m feeling that now.  I’m feeling the struggle, and thepain. I am tired but I am pushing forward through each challenge and feeling stronger for it.  It’s a good day.

Kai is sick again and Mick worked from home because the roads were a mess with traffic.  So it was sort of a snow day today, and I confess that I am still wearing my pajamas from last night, and I am almost ready to hit the sack again now.  Tsk Tsk :) 

Our puppy was spayed today and she is spending the night at the vet.  I miss my furry baby.  I know she will be sawing logs for the most part but I hate that she has to be there alone when she could be cuddled up with me here at home.  I have gotten attached to Daisy much faster than I bonded with Roxy. Roxy was my first dog ever and it took me a long while to get used to having her around.  She is a Golden Retriever so she grew pretty quickly and was eating furniture for breakfast.  Not a good thing in my books. However, she and I became incredibly close as she got older. I rembember when we took her for one of her first walks as a puppy.  She attracted the attention of some teenagers who were petting her and cooing over her.  I remember one of them saying “ya, she is really cute now, but in another couple of years she is just going to be just another big old yellow dog.”  Well she is big, and she is yellow but she is that much more precious to me.  In fact, she and I got to be such good friends and I love her so much, that it was actually my idea to get another puppy. 

Daisy is a Cockapoo aka Spoodle, aka half Cocker Spaniel, half Poodle.  Mostly she is like a teddy bear with longer ears. She is fluffy, cuddly and loves to be snuggled and petted.  She is incredibly affectionate, extremely smart and just as sweet as can be.  She is especially endearing to me since she doesn’t shed. LOL  I miss her.

I’ve seen and heard of forum chatter all a buzz about people leaving Scrapbookgraphics.  Something must be up, is the talk and of course, all of the regular speculations as to what’s going on behind closed doors at SBG.  It is so true that things are happening.  There’s moving, there’s shaking and there  are goodbyes and hellos  What a perfect way to keep the creative pot brewing.  We have three of our favorite people going off and radiating their own scrapping sunshine to new corners of cyberspace, and we have some new friends to make as well.  This is the way of things.  We are growing, changing and re-arranging.  We are metamorphisizing and it’s all good.

In this last call I took in a new intern.  I’m really digging how the internship program is working for us.  It allows me the opportunity to follow my intuition freely with new talent, and be in a postion to offer guidance if needed.  We provide them with an opportunity to shine, to capture the hearts of our scrapbookgraphics customers the way they have struck a chord in my own.  We have some really incredibly talent in our store that have come to be part of our team, through the internship portal.  It has been a fortunate endeavour all around. When I reviewed Liz Thompson’s application I immediately fell in love with the Kimono papers.  The colour combination and the patterns on the paper are simply adorable. She only sent me a few things to look at but the style was definteily innocent and whimsical and it is hard not to adore.  Liz’s paper design is particularly refined for such a new designer and it is going to be so much fun watching her grow and blossom as a digital scrapbooking designer.

One flip through Iara’s studio, Baers Garten and I am mentally scanning photos in my mind to scrap all of those especially happy memories I have.  It was the kit Happy Fall that was the decision maker for me when I accepted Iara as a Studio Girl.   Iara is all about the colour therapy for me.  Happy colours, cute elements, happy scrapping.  Loving her stuff and the mood it puts me in.

I suppose the Universe must have prescribed and extra dose of joy for me right now and I am feeling very grateful for it.  When I first spotted the art of Lorie Davison I immediately asked all the designers I knew, who this wonderful artist was.  I got the most interesting feedback.  No one knew of her but each one of them fell in love with  her art immediately.  Well that didn’t make sense to me.   I knew we had to do something to fix that.  Without hesitation I emailed her to talk with her about joining us.  Then I waited for a response…. oh…about five minutes and took the number from her website and called her. 

I know a fairie when I see one, and Lorie La Fae is definitely one of the shiny ones. :)  Her beautiful creative offerings bring us the whimsy, magic and imagination of childhood, the romance of another time, the expression of love for life and nature.  If you don’t believe me, look for yourself.  We have ourselves a real live fairy at Scrapbookgraphics and she’s creating us some very dreamy kits that are just the thing for you very own Once Upon A times and Happily Ever Afters.   Clap your hands if you believe.  I do!

Wendy Zine has been a Scrapbookgraphics gal for quite some time now already.  She’s been such a help with creating some amazing tools for scrapbooking, and some extremely helpful actions that we all use to help us all set up our pages to specs for our Shutterfly Albums.  We figured it was about time we shared her stuff with our customers as well, because we know that so many of them are already hooked on their Shutterfly books. 

We also have something special cooking up with  Fannie from our crew which I am very excited about, and there are a couple of other names and projects that I am not  at liberty to talk about with you yet.  Bursting at the seams to though…bursting at the seams!!!

 Each and every once of these new designers bring so many gifts and talents. They each of so much heart for designing and for life in general.  They immediately make such a nice addition to our team.  The flight into this next year promies to be exciting and beautiful.